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What I wouldn't give.....

     How often do you find yourself saying those exact words, followed by some far-fetched dream or wish that, if answered, would literally make your life?
     I say these words often. Some call this discontentment. I call this sanity. I am sorry, but doing dishes and wiping butts all day just isn't glamorous enough for this lady! I mean, honestly, as much as I love taking care of my super-old house and running my kids to their appointments and nagging everyone in my life to death about everything, I allow myself to have dreams of What I Wouldn't Gives. And sometimes those dreams get me through the monotonous days of motherhood. Here's a list of my Top 20. Shall we see how many we have in common?

What I wouldn't give.....

1) To be thin. (Ding Ding!! Thank you, and goodnight.) There's obviously no one else who has ever uttered these words. Never after Thanksgiving. Never in the changing room as you stared down that swim suit on it's itty bitty hanger. Never as you held your breath while standing on the scale, hoping that the air in your lungs would somehow help you float and give you a smaller number.

2) To be able to read an entire book in a week. I used to love to read. The sad thing is, I probably still do. But I'll never be certain of this, because I live with small people. They are the holders of the time cards. They are the keepers of the books. And there is literally no time to test this theory.

3) To shower. I mean really shower. Shave, exfoliate, deep condition, soak, face mask. The Works. At this point, I'd settle for a quick Febreeze and a head-band.

4) To not be tired. Seriously. There are so many hours in a day and yet they seem to slip through my fumbling fingers week after week after week. I don't know where these hours go, especially the ones that happen while I'm "sleeping".... but I think the Sand Man and Father Time are in cahoots on this one.

5) To go on vacation. Who's with me? (I'm taking legitimate offers, here!) I will fly first class, business class, coach, or with the luggage.... I'll go by plane, train, car, or camel.... just get me to the beach, please!

6) To not have chin hairs. (Oooo, it's getting real up in here.) Yes. I'm starting my own beard collection. To date, my beard hairs come in black, red, blonde, and gray. Congratulations to me. I'm considering pulling a Hilary Duff and dying them aqua or lavender, help me and my beard fit in with today's youth. But the best part is, I can pluck until the cows come home and STILL get into my car, look in the flip mirror, and see at least 20 more little rascals that were waiting until they were in natural sunlight to show their ugly little faces. Next step? Hedge trimmers. Final step? Circus.

7) To have 7 brand new seasons of the Gilmore Girls. When I'm knee deep in piles of laundry, I fantasize about Luke and Lorelai pro-creating, Rory finding the man of her dreams, and Sookie having 30 more kids. I long for quick-witted, small-town characters to sweep me into their world, far away from my piles of socks and underwear. Someone get on that, would ya? Thanks.

8) To have a normal poop life. Yes. You read that correctly. After years of IBS, I would give anything to poop like a girl instead of like a trucker who's just eaten at Muffy's Burrito Stand.

9) To be allergy-free. Sneezy, Runny, Itchy, Coughy, Rashy, Wheezy, and Plugged. I am the new and worse-for-wear 7 Dwarfs, all rolled into one. Bring on the hay fever and pollen, Mother Nature! Come get me, dust mites and mold! Allergy shots to the rescue!

10) To be able to teleport myself away from my children when they fight. As fun as it is to hear the whining and the crying and the screaming, I think I'd rather just leave. Immediately. Until they're 20 and living independently.

11) To eat ice cream at the end of every meal. I don't think this is all that unreasonable. Especially if I could have my first wish come true in conjunction with this one. I would eat far less ice cream if I knew that I would get it again in a few short hours. In fact, this would probably help me lose weight, right?

12) To have someone clean my house. Now, I like cleaning. This is not the problem. I simply no longer have time for such nonsense as dusting, let alone washing base boards and moving the fridge to scrub the spilled orange juice. I want someone to wipe out my cupboards and flip my mattress and to wash the outsides of my windows -- to do the kind of cleaning that would make Monica Gellar proud.

13) To hire a personal shopper. I would love, love, love someone to take my measurements and magically know what would look amazing on me. This person could spend my pretend money going to any store she wanted and get me full outfits that are functional yet trendy, slimming yet breathable. And this person would become my best friend and I would share my mealtime ice cream with her.

14) To be a real writer. Like, a for real- I get paid for it- someone wants to publish me sort of writer. That way I could do what I love and be able to support my family all at the same time. (And this, folks, is the stuff that dreams are made of.)

15) To move to the beach. This would take care of my need for a vacation and many of my allergy-dwarf selves! Give me a shack, a shed, or a tent.... as long as I have warm breezes and constant sunshine, I'm a happy camper!!

16) To not be pooped on ever again. Today, my pastor and I went to meet with another pastor at his church. The baby came with us. He seemed to be playing nicely with his car, until I saw what looked like orange cement splashing onto the carpet around him. It took me a moment to realize that the ceiling wasn't leaking pureed carrots. My baby was crapping so ferociously that it was shooting out the top of his diaper, torpedo style, and then landing in heaps around him. I used all the wipes. I used all the spare clothes. I used all the plastic baggies. And it was not enough. There was a 6-foot radius of poop and no amount of scrubbing was getting that stuff out of the carpet, my clothes, or his hair. Yes. I would give anything to not have to do this ever again.

17) To go to the movies. Similar to my desire to read a book, there's just no time to go to the movies. Or money. Money and time.... maybe this list would be shorter if those were my only two items?

18) To have all of my family and friends live close to me. Sadly, many of the people that I love the most live all over the country. And there are times that I just want them (need them) to pack their things and move to my small little town and be near me. It's not like it's that hard to call a realtor, right?

19) To have more fun with my husband. (Get your minds out of the gutter, people!) When we weren't ships passing in the night, we used to laugh. There was time to unwind to the point that you could notice the funny things instead of bustling past them to get to the next chore or appointment. It was uninhibited, flirty, carefree laughter. What I wouldn't give.

20) To be a perfect parent raising perfect children. I want so badly to do everything right. However, this literally never happens. I do an awful lot of yelling and I make threats that I don't follow through with (mainly because they're outrageous and ridiculous threats in the first place, i.e. "I will quite literally BUY a bulldozer so that I can dig a hole deep enough to put all the crap you've hidden under your bed in.... and then I will bury it and build a 6-foot monument of my face to place on top of the pile to forever remind you that it's best to clean your room the first 30 times I say it!!!"). And I often focus on the little things, easily forgetting the big picture moments. But since my children are maniacal, dirty, pooping, weirdos (whom I love with every fiber of my being), our imperfections are often the highlights of our neighbor's dinner parties.... especially when they look out their dining room windows to see a muttering woman digging holes in the back yard with a large shovel (because obviously I could never afford a bulldozer).

     Those are my Top 20 What I Wouldn't Gives. What are some of yours?

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