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When I first found out that I was pregnant with my little man, who is a blessed 8 months old today (do babies appreciate blogging shout-outs?), I signed up for weekly emails that would tell me what to expect while I was expecting. Each week I was updated on Wyatt’s pre-natal size as the experts compared him to various types of produce. Why do they always compare to fruits and veggies? Never once did the writers liken my baby to a pork roast or loaf of pumpernickel. And while we’re on the topic, why are we comparing our babies to food in the first place? All it does is make the pregnant woman hungrier. And no one wants to get their already grumbly tummy all aroused at the thought of their growing child. It’s just weird.

Since giving birth, I have continued to receive my weekly emails. These post-birth newsletters contain helpful information on things such as developmental milestones and when to start baby on solids and how to detect infant acid reflux and so on. But this morning I found myself laughing out loud at the silliness that was delivered to me by these “experts” who, I can only assume, don’t actually have children. The topic was on that of co-sleeping: the pros and the cons. To be perfectly honest, I don’t give a rat’s patootie about the debate itself. From one half-demented, sleep-deprived, bleary-eyed mama to another, my stance is simply that of Pro-Sleep. However you manage to do that successfully is up to you. I will be the first one to start the slow-clap applause, shake your hand, and take you out for a nice meal because, Mama, you deserve it! I, on the other hand, am 8 months in and have still not found a way to get the beloved 4 hours of sleep a night that my body, mind, and husband are craving. I have tried co-sleeping, crib training, and everything in between but have yet to be embraced by the sweet arms of a REM cycle.

All this aside, I decided to give the article a quick once over. I was one sentence in before I gave in to the hysterical laughter that overtook me. Listed as the first downside to co-sleeping was this: “Infants are mood-killers for middle-of-the-night romps”. Huh? Middle-of-the-night-whats? Who in the… how in the world… are people actually romping in the middle of the night after they’ve had a child?! Does my email even know who I am? I am 32 years old, have 4 children, and I’m pretty sure I’ve got an ulcer in there somewhere. There are moments I couldn’t tell you the day of the week due to sheer exhaustion and now I’ve got a newsletter telling me that I should put my baby in his crib so that I can make whoopee? Is there ANY mother out there getting woken up after 47 minutes of sleep that says, Wow, I’d love to get me some sex right now, but darn this baby in my bed?

Can you imagine what would happen if this information got out to the men?! I mean, I’m already smacking away randy hands when my husband wakes up to use the bathroom at 4am. I can’t even imagine the battle I’d be in for if this news got out. I just can’t. Don’t get me wrong. I love my husband. I love him once a month, in the middle of the day, whether he needs it or not. But in the middle of the night? I’m sorry, but the experts better get their facts straight. Any man willing to wake a zombie-esque mama will probably be castrated (once she’s finished her nap, that is).

The article went on. Easy nursing versus smothering your baby in your sleep, cuddle time versus independence problems. Blah, blah, blah. My interest was quashed even quicker than my husband’s 4am advances. Stick to your produce-sized fetus talk, Experts, and let us mamas get some rest!